Jacked
by awesomeideas
Summary: In which I pop in on the S9.
1. Call to Adventure 1-1

Call to Adventure 1.1

There was surprisingly little blood aboveground given the general state of destruction, limbs hanging at… Hanging at artistic angles. Hm. That's a tip-off, isn't it? Obviously Bonesaw Bonesawing it up, given that adjective.

Hi, I'm the guy who'd call himself "Self-Insert Man" if that didn't sound so you know what. I suppose the name'll have to wait because I just don't have a good one yet. Maybe my username? Maybe something-Pool? I like swimming, but have almost no knowledge of Deadpool beside the movie, so I dunno. Anyway, what we've just stepped into is a rather gruesome scene of carnage wrought by none other than the Slaughterhouse Nine! Oh, yes.

WHAT!? You say you would rather I spent four chapters on Taylor triggering in her locker? Okay.

Call to Adventure 1.2

Gross

Call to Adventure 1.3

Still gross

Call to Adventure 1.4

Ew ew ew

Call to Adventure 1.5

Fuck bullies


	2. Call to Adventure 1-6

Call to Adventure 1.6

I'm so glad you asked for that. Anyway, as I was saying, it's not that bloody given all the limbs. Off in the distance I hear something that sounds ridiculously similar to mac-'n'-cheese being stirred in a large bowl. Ah, yes. Crawler is eating. Very acid-y. Oh, shit! Shatterbird must be here! What a prick she is. Okay. Using my considerable powers of absolute omnipotence, I restore every single piece of glass and silicon (not silicone, as many fanfiction authors would have you believe-actually Alan Moore made that mistake in Watchmen. Seriously, look it up. Doctor Manhattan is on Mars playing with the pink sand like a little kid and calls it silicone. I wrote to DC to point this out, but they didn't respond. Go figure.) to its condition prior to Shat's shriek, and resurrect and heal all the wounds of those injured in the incident.

That got their attention.

Bonesaw, it turns out, had connected the blood vessels of about half the residents of the small community of Edgewater Beach, FL just below the surface of the ground in order to create what she would internally refer to as her "beach bod," and had noticed anomalous pressure readings due to the fact that I was cutting off circulation by standing on top of those veins and arteries, so she arrived first.

"Hi, I'm Bonesaw. You weren't here before! I know because I tagged everyone with this super cool fungus. You've already got a few spores in your lungs, but… Hey, no fair! They're not-"

Oh, you thought I was about to break in and get a word in edgewise? No, no. Being a self-insert means I've gotta take a passive role so you could see yourself in my place. I've already outed myself as a man, which is of course a dick move, but I could sound like a lot of people, look like a lot of people. I could be a short Ginger. I could be a tall Latino. I could be a medium-sized, pudgy Aboriginal Australian-Slavic mix. Okay, I'll tell ya. I'm attractive, and that's all you need to know. I don't even know if that'll help the story, but it's important. So important that it almost completely overshadows the fact that Scion just arrived on-scene.

Yeah, that's why Riley riled down. By now the others had arrived as well. Scion set down right next to me. I gestured for him to come closer, and he did. No one spoke, and then I opened my mouth in a leisurely and impossibly wide way and ate his head. Scion's body dropped to the ground and did not rise again.

"Oh! I've got it, I'm Zion, with a zeeeeeeee! Sorry for not introducing myself back there more quickly, Bony! How rude of me!"


	3. Threshold Guardian 1-1

Threshold Guardian 1.1

"Also, sorry Jack. You were going to use that giant Oscar trophy to end the world a ridiculous number of chapters later. Couldn't let you do that. Dung beetle'd have to save the multiverse, and then she gets shot. Super shitty.

Anyway, I know you know that was the real-deal Mr. Secondary-Power-Aspect-is-the-Best-Part-of-the-Power, but for the rest of you who can't tell if someone's using their powers, that was the real Scion, and I did in fact permanently remove his head, and yes, it was tasty. Also, it might be of interest for you to learn that you're all currently inside a crack fic."

Jack, being a cunning linguist understood what I meant precisely, and Bonesaw had an idea, but the others didn't and were frankly a chore to write for, so they disappeared. Jack recovered quickly enough. Shit, and I had spent all that time setting up to fuck with Shatterbird. Oh, well.

"Well, hello, there. My name is Jack Slash, and you've intrigued me. Ha-ha, you've more than intrigued me, to tell the truth. It's not every day you see the world's greatest hope vanish, though if I understand you correctly, he would have destroyed the world. Odd. I'm curious, what did you do to the others?"

"I'm surprised that you care so much for others. Doesn't really sound like you."

"Oh, doesn't it? I care for this good little girl over there, isn't that right?"

"Yes! Jack takes care of me, but I miss Siberian…"

They were definitely acting out of character. Something was subtly wrong about them. They were acting like one-dimensional versions of themselves. This is because I am not a very good writer, and not because of any particularly special hidden motives. I mean there was the obvious motive of Jack trying to manipulate me by manipulating Bonesaw into manipulating me into bringing everyone back, along with another couple of plots, but that was about it. I sniffed the adjectival air, and then replied adverbially.

"Jack, I'm going to play a game with you. You stay interesting, and this multiverse continues to exist. You bore me, and I write that there's a happy ending for every single thinking being, and no further chapters get written. That's how it's going to be… Unless, of course, you manage to convince me to do something else…"

Jack smiled a toothy, Deppey smile. He could work with this.


End file.
